if i dont think about it, maybe it wont happen

so, much as im loathe to say it, i leave denmark tomorrow.
i simply cannot believe that 3 weeks has gone by already.
words cannot express how sad i am that its all done for this round, im really in a funk about it.
im being a bad friend right now actually.  everyone is at the new shop getting it ready for opening day tomorrow, and i am here at home (home!!!) reorganizing my suitcases so that they dont go over-weight and just generally feeling sorry for myself. 
i really do not want to leave.

this has been a totally different experience from my last trip in summer 2006.
that was an in/out 3 days extravaganza that was mostly tours and museums.
this was... living.

i could not have done it without amalie and allan.  not for 2 seconds.
truly two of the greatest people ive met in a long time.
not only have they been great and fun friends both online and in person at conventions, but they opened up their home to me and treated me like a roommate.
that has been a major part of my loving being here.  just feeling like i belong.
im going to miss them so much when i get back home.

the apartment itself is just cozy and inviting.  the way my home used to be before i got rid of all my retro and collectable things.  thinking i was somehow 'growing up' or 'maturing' or some crap like that.
like i cant just have a bunch of shit in my house!
clearly i could and i can again.  this place is amazing!

im going to miss my bread and cheese meals.
im going to miss lucifer swimming on the couch.
star trek tng is just never going to be the same anywhere else..

im already looking at my next trip here, and turning the wheels faster to figure out how to move.
it seems so easy in a thought, but there is so much to account for.  sigh.

i have a meeting tomorrow morning with a games studio here in town, but that is just to meet and get aquainted with my skillset.  not job openings right now.
but that could pay off!  keep your fingers crossed that it does.
so with that going on, tomorrow will be crazy.
meeting in the morning, run back home, head to bus station?
i hope there is more time than that, but i should be at the airport for 1230-1 at the latest.
so yeah, its going to be a tight day.   boo.

externally, i probably look like a lump right now.  passive blank face.  just sitting here looking vacant.
internally im having a total heart breaking temper tantrum.  sadly, i will still get on that plane tomorrow.

im sure amsterdam will be fun, but my heart will be here.
then its home to try and get back into the swing of my life there, and figure some things out.

at least i have a ton of new shoes to run around in....

so

i dont blog anymore

its funny cause it think about it all the time.

i am blaming the fact that i hate where i live so much that it sucks my will to do anything when i get home.
that and work has been insane.

the good news?
im moving in three weeks!

then i will live alone again!
im taking over a friends place, and she is leaving alot of her furniture for me to use til her and her man get a bigger place, so i dont have to aquire new stuffs. this works perfectly for me.

my plan?
to be much happier in my new spot!
maybe start having some energy to do things like talk to friends and blog and exercise.
yes, you read that right, blogging does come before exercise.
maybe ill use it to push myself to exercise more?
who knows...

but til then.. i think of you guys... and try to find time to read blogs..
but i just dont feel like it when i get... here.
come on three weeks! fly by!!!!

things change..

so im not going to update about the rest of my trip really.

i did have a great time in florida, but its somewhat bittersweet now, and i dont really feel the need to log it here to look back at later.

texas was super fun and damn cold! it was all tattoo convention, with some flea market and beers mixed in. ok maybe cider too. and wine. and a couple tattoos. and ok, pretty heavy on the great people!!

back to work was wild. the layoffs have hit everyone pretty hard. i stop to talk to the guys here and there, and they are sad about friends that are gone now.

i extended my trip to hawaii by two weeks so i am not there from feb 7 to march 8. i can not wait! i need this relaxing forced to do nothing time, like whoa.

when i get back i will be working for two more months at my current job. they love me so much that they will do anything to keep me. its a good feeling. but it also makes it hard. its all hard right now.

i want more than anything to get out of vancouver. i do like it, much more than i felt about calgary when i left there, but i still feel like im stagnant in my life here. i need to get out and do something new, something different. find whatever it is that i am looking for. but this whole damn world wide economy crashing thing is scary!

is it smarter to stay put where i have the best paying job of my life, and wait til things look better to move? will that even happen in the near future? no one can say. arg.

ill see how i feel after hawaii.

so far january 2009 has been mostly about bad timing. im super ready for february to happen.
i will spend it in hawaii so it cant be all that bad. as for march and my return, i will be moving back into the building i lived in before this one, with my friend steve. my rent will be 120 cheaper a month, and there is laundry in house! that, in itself, is exciting. also, i get my own bathroom in my room! oh yeah. i dont have any furniture left really, so ill have my futon for a bed, my old chair thats been around for longer than i have in my family, and some odds and ends.

in a way im sad to leave this apartment, but ive been here for 4 years almost. time for something new. the new one will be dingy and a bit scummy. ah well. adventure!

i feel like im 20 again and moving out for the first time. it should be scarier or worrying more than it is, but im excited for it. its time i loosened up a little again. ill be saving more money for that move that will happen soon soon soon.

oh, also, to start the new feb, i have an appointment with deandra on tuesday. remember that pic of me with 'short hair'? yeah... eek!

urg

my week has been hell.

they laid off more than half of my team. my boys. i love those boys. they were what made me love my job so much. and while there are still many left, its not the same. it doesnt feel the same. and im not the only one to feel that way. its sad.

i had to work saturday, one of my four days off left, to move everyone around in the studio. all this really allowed me to do was see exactly who was let go, as i didnt get a list or anything. even sadder. at least i got paid overtime to be there. that is always a plus.

ive been stressing still about my jaunt to florida. but i had two really good conversations with my buddy jay in florida and my lysa in san fran. i am feeling good about the whole thing now. i have a contingency plan for the states, that will allow me somewhere to go if florida doesnt pan out, so i dont have to feel as though i am turning right around to run home. i can go to cali for a few months, hit vegas for APP and then off to Denmark!

i like having back up plans. makes me feel safe.

other than that, i packed up my clothes today. so weird. but my closet is empty. i just have to get my dresser out of the place, and figure out when my other friend will come to take the bed. then i can start cleaning up lots, and getting rid of the rest of my stuff. hopefully i can get all those boxes to the thrift store next weekend. fingers crossed.

the time crunch is really starting to get to me now. i have 10 days left here in vancouver before i head off to hawaii for two weeks. then im back for 3 or so days with no home and no where to be, and then back to florida. so quick. yikers.

so much to do yet still too. and too many people that want to see me before i go.

ill see what i can do.

sorry this wasnt more uplifting, and there were no pictures, and still no updates from the trip.
but hey, its a post! sue me.

oh dear...

yes yes i know. i havent been blogging. for weeks.
i will get on the updating, though i guess by this point in time, it wont be as detailed as it may have been before.

in any event.
tonight i did something my mother always does. and that, was buy a bottle of wine and proceed to have a couple glasses while chilling at home alone. (on an empty stomach mind you)

what prompted this was an extremely stressful day at work, due to the unknown future for most of my team. there will be announcements made later this week, which will undoubtedly result in some lay offs. its like walking around on egg shells right now, plus, with no direction, its very quiet and restless as well.

my day did get much much better, however, when i got home and called my friend heather to see if she wanted to take over my place. at first i was hesitant to give it to her, as i dont think she will be as quiet as i was. no where near actually. and i love this building, and its soooo quiet. but in the end, i wanted to save money! so whatever. not like ill be here to blame. so she came over, said she'd take the place, and even took most of my furniture. that means money for me, and the fact that i dont have to worry about getting it moved out of here. also, i can keep it all as somewhere to live until i go and not stay in an empty apartment.

the fun part now will be my bed. i want to list it for sale now, so that it sells, but i want to sleep in it til i go. or almost til i go anyways. february lets say. we'll see how that pans out.

so, my poor readers who may or may not have lost faith in my blogging as of late. there you have it. an update. more on the trip at some point soon? (like you even believe when i say that now)

Worky

So, today I was told that my contract will for sure be extended into January, hopefully until the end of the month, and at that time, they will push for RFT (Regular Full Time). This, is awesome news for me. It gives me the security of knowing that I will have steady pay until at least the end of Jan, and now for longer.

The only thing that is troubling me (yes, sometimes having a conscience is a burden) is that so many people have gone out of their way to tell them that they love me and want me to stay. And I really do appreciate that. Alot!! But, that means that they have done all this for me, and I get full time and.... quit two months later to move.

Don't get me wrong here. I know that its up to me to look out for me, and if I were to tell them that I was leaving, there is no way I would get full time, let alone my contract extended. But I feel like a real jerk just leaving so soon after. So I have to figure myself out.

Either I leave at the end of Jan to the dismay of my family and friends, and myself cause I have a fun trip planned. Or, I push back my moving date, so I can work a couple more months, make some more money, and alleviate my guilt.

Honest opinions, lets start a discussion. Tell me what you think. All four of you.

ho hum

If you are looking for a fun and interesting post, please read no further. This is of the more serious (and potentially whiny) variety. I am feeling rather blah these past few days, and yes, perhaps its partly due to the onset of winter weather (clouds and rain) but its also my life. And where its going. So if you aren't into reading about me blathering on about personal stuff, then stop now and come back when I am more perky. Otherwise, don't say I didnt warn you...

The better part of the last week I have felt down. I may even go so far as to say depressed. I know a number of factors are at work here.

Definately always on my mind is the fact that time is ticking away faster than I want it to. The fact that almost every day someone else asks me when I am leaving is a constant reminder that I need to stay on track with what I want to get done before the big move.

I am going to miss my family terribly. Especially my Mom. And my Grandma. And my new nephew. My friends... well, sure i'll miss them, but im a hermit so I mostly talk to them online anyways.. so that wont change. And there are new friends to be had. But it weighs on me that I am here in Vancouver where none of my family is, and I am not going to have a huge amount of time to see them before I go. so once. maybe twice.

And then there is my job. I need to stay on longer than the middle of november, which is when my contract currently expires. pretty much to ensure that i stay on til the end of march, when I want it to, i will need to be hired on full time. i have some really great people rooting for me and trying their best to get me on. and i am very very greatful for that. i also feel like crap cause im going to turn around in less than six months and quit and basically throw everything away that they are working towards for me right now. sure i can take my skills with me to new jobs abroad, but i cant help but feel like im betraying them. curse my compassion and conscience. i know its what i have to do, in order to leave though, so its what will be.

I love my job. love love love love love it. and i could see myself growing into it further, learning so much more about a field that i never in a million years thought i would be a part of. i didnt even consider it. i love the team so much. i finally have the makings of a carreer that i could love and really get behind. and it tears me apart and troubles me to no end that i have to give it up and go.

The flip side of this great job is that it is the only thing i love about being here. being in Vancouver, being in Canada, being where i am in my life. I *need* to make this move. i need to go figure out what it is that my life has in store for me. even if it sends me right back here again, i will have that experience with me, and the knowledge and wisdom from it. oh but the fear of never finding this magical job again. i know i know, i found it once i can do it again. hell, i can look for work in the same damn field. it just scares me. what if im giving up something great that i cant find again. what if what if, screw the what ifs.

This is just a continual loop in my head. No wonder i didnt sleep well last night.

Im sure ill come back to this very topic again, as i have somewhat lots of time before i move. so ill leave that be for now.

The other thing that has me down right now, and i dont know if its just because im finishing being hormonal and that there was a full moon.. who knows. i just know that im feeling very lonely right now, and that is not like me. i have been alone alot for almost 5 years now, and i am totally ok with it. sure, it would be super to have someone to spend time with, and lord knows i have a ton of love to give, and am pretty keen on receiving it, but i am also content knowing that its not a good time in my path in life to get involved right now. it would complicate things, and i really need to know who i am before i go tangling someone else up in it all.

but right now. man. i want someone. i am having all these wild crushes on super great guys at work, who are busy being awesome friends to me (which wont change i assure you, and i wont do anything to boycott it) and then i find that they have girlfriends and im actually hurt. like, nothing was happening anyways, so why dont you be a little more crazy corey. honestly. i am letting my emotions take off like i havent done in ages. it makes me really want to get somewhere so i can settle down and go on a damn date. or just kiss someone! i could really use a good make out, thats for sure... ugh.

so there you have it. my vulnerable side that doesnt come out much. and really, with my old blog it never really did. but thats why i moved this here. so that i would feel more comfortable to get out the things that i need to. this is going to take up the whole damn page.... but enough is enough. ill go eat something, and chat with my mom online and try not to be impatient and snippy with her, even though she drives me nuts. and tomorrow ill go to work and go for coffee with bill, who is a dreamboat and so nice and is trying his best to help me stay on. i could squeeze him to bits. all my boys at work. arg. i wish i could just cry and let it all out but i cant. whats up with that?

/END SADNESS HOLY CRAP
gad.

damn rain

So much for my yard sale today. Its pouring. Im thinking about just renting a table at the flea market for a weekend and just trying to get rid of everything. For any price, I dont even care. Just get out of my house! Ugh. I am so ready too.

At least when I was taking apart my storage room last night I got rid of some huge boxes that were just taking up space. Some of my house may seem empty after I get rid of it all, but oh well. I think it will feel nice. A good start to living minimally since thats where i'll be for a while when I get over there.

Just have to figure out how to get 4 or 5 boxes to Denmark, and what to do with them when I get there. Or, if I have them sent over later, what to do with them here....

random seriousness

I think I have begun the mourning/grieving process of Vancouver, and some of my life here in Canada.

For the most part, I can keep in touch with friends via the good ol interweb, so Im not bothered with that. I didnt get upset over moving away from friends when I left Calgary (I didnt get upset over leaving anything in Calgary actually) and I cant see myself getting worked up this time. Friends are always there, and I know I will make new ones. I also have a good handful where I'm going!

I have already begun to miss my family, and have gotten sad a few times that I wont see some for a long time. Namely my Mom, my Grandmother on my Dads side, and now my nephew. The rest.. well, they're family, but I'm not as close. I dont know.. But Im sad about that, and I will miss them.

I also noticed yesterday that I will actually miss Vancouver. This is an awesome city. I'll miss being able to randomly change directions for my day and know exactly what bus to get on (though I know I can learn that anywhere), I'll miss the familiar sights and landmarks, I'll miss the ocean here, although I really didnt visit it as often as I would have liked. It's nice knowing its right there.

There is more, but that is what has surfaced for me in the last couple days. I'm super excited for this change in life, but it wont be as easy as my move to the coast was.

That, is for sure.

morning thoughts

Still trying to work out where I'm going to live for the last while that I'm in Vancouver. I can stay where I am, fine, but it doesnt help me to get rid of all my stuff. I want to move out, so that I can sell most of my stuff now. It just forces me to get on with it.

Unfortunately, you snooze you lose. I had an opportunity for a place, same rent as mine, that I could have house sit for 6 months, and then leave in March. Too bad for me, I decided to go for it too late and they may have someone to do it now. I can only hope that the contract doesnt go through. My fingers are crossed, and if youre really my friend, yours are too!

Work is work. Still trying to figure out what I'll do when my contract is up in 2 months. I'm not overly worried about it. I know I can find a good job. I just like to know. This whole travelling around, flying by the seat of my pants, moving to the other side of the world next year is going to be interesting. I'm a planner but I need to learn to loosen up. Eek.

Today is supposed to be the hottest day of 2008 here. 33 degree. Of course I'll be inside for most of it, but I can at least wear shorts dammit! I should go get ready for work. I need to leave earlier in the morning so I dont have to 'cuddle' with everyone on the bus. I hate transit...