ho hum

If you are looking for a fun and interesting post, please read no further. This is of the more serious (and potentially whiny) variety. I am feeling rather blah these past few days, and yes, perhaps its partly due to the onset of winter weather (clouds and rain) but its also my life. And where its going. So if you aren't into reading about me blathering on about personal stuff, then stop now and come back when I am more perky. Otherwise, don't say I didnt warn you...

The better part of the last week I have felt down. I may even go so far as to say depressed. I know a number of factors are at work here.

Definately always on my mind is the fact that time is ticking away faster than I want it to. The fact that almost every day someone else asks me when I am leaving is a constant reminder that I need to stay on track with what I want to get done before the big move.

I am going to miss my family terribly. Especially my Mom. And my Grandma. And my new nephew. My friends... well, sure i'll miss them, but im a hermit so I mostly talk to them online anyways.. so that wont change. And there are new friends to be had. But it weighs on me that I am here in Vancouver where none of my family is, and I am not going to have a huge amount of time to see them before I go. so once. maybe twice.

And then there is my job. I need to stay on longer than the middle of november, which is when my contract currently expires. pretty much to ensure that i stay on til the end of march, when I want it to, i will need to be hired on full time. i have some really great people rooting for me and trying their best to get me on. and i am very very greatful for that. i also feel like crap cause im going to turn around in less than six months and quit and basically throw everything away that they are working towards for me right now. sure i can take my skills with me to new jobs abroad, but i cant help but feel like im betraying them. curse my compassion and conscience. i know its what i have to do, in order to leave though, so its what will be.

I love my job. love love love love love it. and i could see myself growing into it further, learning so much more about a field that i never in a million years thought i would be a part of. i didnt even consider it. i love the team so much. i finally have the makings of a carreer that i could love and really get behind. and it tears me apart and troubles me to no end that i have to give it up and go.

The flip side of this great job is that it is the only thing i love about being here. being in Vancouver, being in Canada, being where i am in my life. I *need* to make this move. i need to go figure out what it is that my life has in store for me. even if it sends me right back here again, i will have that experience with me, and the knowledge and wisdom from it. oh but the fear of never finding this magical job again. i know i know, i found it once i can do it again. hell, i can look for work in the same damn field. it just scares me. what if im giving up something great that i cant find again. what if what if, screw the what ifs.

This is just a continual loop in my head. No wonder i didnt sleep well last night.

Im sure ill come back to this very topic again, as i have somewhat lots of time before i move. so ill leave that be for now.

The other thing that has me down right now, and i dont know if its just because im finishing being hormonal and that there was a full moon.. who knows. i just know that im feeling very lonely right now, and that is not like me. i have been alone alot for almost 5 years now, and i am totally ok with it. sure, it would be super to have someone to spend time with, and lord knows i have a ton of love to give, and am pretty keen on receiving it, but i am also content knowing that its not a good time in my path in life to get involved right now. it would complicate things, and i really need to know who i am before i go tangling someone else up in it all.

but right now. man. i want someone. i am having all these wild crushes on super great guys at work, who are busy being awesome friends to me (which wont change i assure you, and i wont do anything to boycott it) and then i find that they have girlfriends and im actually hurt. like, nothing was happening anyways, so why dont you be a little more crazy corey. honestly. i am letting my emotions take off like i havent done in ages. it makes me really want to get somewhere so i can settle down and go on a damn date. or just kiss someone! i could really use a good make out, thats for sure... ugh.

so there you have it. my vulnerable side that doesnt come out much. and really, with my old blog it never really did. but thats why i moved this here. so that i would feel more comfortable to get out the things that i need to. this is going to take up the whole damn page.... but enough is enough. ill go eat something, and chat with my mom online and try not to be impatient and snippy with her, even though she drives me nuts. and tomorrow ill go to work and go for coffee with bill, who is a dreamboat and so nice and is trying his best to help me stay on. i could squeeze him to bits. all my boys at work. arg. i wish i could just cry and let it all out but i cant. whats up with that?

/END SADNESS HOLY CRAP
gad.